Down the Rabbit Hole (and Back Again)
by The Starfleet Serpent
Summary: Jim didn't know why he'd dragged himself back to the door of the chamber. In the logical part of his mind, he knew that the air he was gasping was saturated with radiation, that opening that door might kill everyone he had just given his life to save. Yet, here he was. Typical illogical human.
1. Chapter 1

_My first fanfic, for a fandom I have loved for a long time. I may consider continuing the story later, but for now, it is a oneshot. Enjoy, and please tell me what you think. Thank you._

_ ~The Starfleet Serpent_

* * *

**_Down the Rabbit Hole (and Back Again)_**

Jim didn't know why he'd dragged himself back to the door of the chamber. In the logical part of his mind, he knew that the air he was gasping was saturated with radiation, that opening that door might kill everyone he had just given his life to save. Yet, here he was. Typical illogical human.

He blinked, and there was Spock. Spock, his First Officer. Spock, his exact opposite in every way except what mattered. Spock, his _friend._ "How's our ship." Jim choked.

"Out of danger." Spock reassured him. "You saved the Enterprise. You saved the crew."

Jim gave a weak smile. "And you...used what he wanted...against him, Spock. That was a nice move."

"I only did what you would have done." Spock said softly.

"And this? _This_ is what you would have done," Jim whispered, with a somewhat wry smile. "It was only logical."

Beyond the glass door, Jim could see a blurred red form moving into the room. He drew a ragged breath. "Spock, I'm scared." He admitted hoarsly. "Help me not be. How do you choose not to feel?"

Was Spock...crying? Couldn't be. "I do not know. Right now, I am failing."

Jim tried to pull himself upright using the hand he had splayed against the glass. He failed. "I wanted you to know why I couldn't let you die." His speech was growing slurred and stilted. "Why I...went back for you..." Spock placed his hand over Jim's on the glass, so that had it not been there, their palms would be touching.

"Because you are my _friend_." Spock whispered, voice thick.

Jim painstakingly arranged his sluggish fingers into the Vulcan salute, mirroring Spock's own hand, trying to say _yes, I know, I've always known you'd do the same for me_ without speaking, because he couldn't seem to get his words to work. He offered Spock one last, shaky smile. Everything was so _blurry_.

Moments later, the world dissolved, and his hand fell.

If you'd asked James T. Kirk, he'd have said he thought the whole 'life flashing before your eyes' thing was supposed to happen _before_ you died. Also, had he given it much thought, he'd have assumed it'd be a generalization of sorts, not a parade of randomly specific events.

Like the first time he'd heard a recording of the _USS Kelvin_'s last mission, taken by the ship's computer, on his sixth birthday.

_"Jim. Let's call him Jim."_

And that time he'd driven his father's antique car off a cliff.

_"Citizen, what is your name?"_

_"My name is _James Tiberius Kirk_."_

Standing at the back of a crowd and hearing Kodos, their wise and kind leader, condemning half the population to die.

_"The revolution is successful. But survival depends on drastic measures. Your continued existence represents a threat to the well-being of society. Your lives mean slow death to the more valued members of the colony. Therefore, I have no alternative but to sentence you to death. Your execution is so ordered, signed Kodos, Governor of Tarsus IV."_

One bar fight stands out from countless others. The night he first met Captain Pike.

_"Oh relax, cupcake – it was a joke."_

_"Your father was captain of a starship for twelve minutes. He saved eight hundred lives, including your mother's - and yours. I dare you to do better."_

That first shuttle ride. Meeting Bones.

_"Space is danger and disease wrapped in darkness and silence."_

_"Well, I hate to break it to you, but Starfleet operates in space."_

_"Yeah, well, I got nowhere else to go. The ex-wife got the whole damn planet in the divorce – all I got left is my bones."_

The Kobayashi Maru. Nero. Vulcan. _Spock_.

_"I believe I have the right to face my accuser directly?"_

_"I have been, and always shall be, your friend."_

_"You NEVER loved her!"_

_"I would cite regulation, but I know you will simply ignore it."_

_"See? We are getting to know each other."_

_"There are no exceptions, Captain. To reveal the advances in technology represented by the _Enterprise_ would be a direct violation of the Prime Directive."_

_"I'm not your Captain, Spock. Not any more."_

_"You believe my refusal to feel means that I do not care, when in truth it is the exact opposite."_

_"I want you to know why I couldn't let you die...why I went back for you."_

_"Because you are my friend."_

Jim had died, yes, but he had died for something worth his own life ten times over. The _Enterprise_, and her brilliant, fearless crew.

_"Jim. Let's call him Jim."_

_"I dare you to do better."_

_"Because you are my_ friend_."_

Yes. It had _all_ been worth it.

* * *

_Like I said, I may consider continuing it through the year that the _Enterprise_ is being rebuilt, and everyone recovering from the aftermath of Khan, but I wish to analyze the general reception of this part before doing anything. So, again, please tell me what you think. Thank you for reading._


	2. Chapter 2

Jim opened his eyes, blinking away sleep. A figure garbed entirely in white stood at his bedside. Jim might have thought it an angel if the face he'd glimpsed had not been one he was accustomed to seeing contorted in fury and exasperation.

Wait a second. Wasn't he supposed to be dead?

"Oh, don't be so melodramatic. You were _barely_ dead." Yep, that's Bones. "It was the transfusion that really took its toll. You were in a coma for two weeks."

Wait, _what? _"Transfusion?"

"Your cells were heavily irradiated." Dr. McCoy scrubbed a hand over his face, looking exhausted. "We had no choice."

It took him a second, but Jim hadn't been labeled "the only _genius-level _repeat offender in the Midwest" for nothing. The implications...

"Khan?"

"We synthesized a serum from his - _superblood_." Dr. McCoy explained. He leaned over the bed. "Tell me, are you feeling homicidal? Power-mad? Despotic?" Sassy bastard.

Jim gave a somewhat weak grin. "No more than usual." He blinked a few times to clear his blurring vision. "How'd you catch him?"

"I didn't."McCoy said. He moved, and person Jim hadn't noticed in his initial scan of the room walked up to stand before his sickbed.

Captain and First Officer regarded each other.

"You saved my life," Jim said warmly, gratitude audible in his voice.

Dr. McCoy rolled his eyes. "Uhura and I had something to do with it too, you know..." Everyone ignored him.

Spock, of course, never could accept thank-you gracefully. "You saved my life, Captain, and the lives of your-"

Jim looked at his friend with an expression of amusement mixed with fond exasperation.

Spock glanced at his shoes, and his shoulders seemed to relax just a smidgen. When he raised his eyes to meet Jim's again, the expression on his face was not a smile. But just barely.

"You are welcome, Jim."

**P-P-P-PAGE BREAK**

Jim had to remain in the hospital for another week after he woke up, simply because Bones was a hardass and enjoyed seeing him suffer.

At least, that was what he told anyone who would listen.

Unfortunately, most of the female nurses at Starfleet Medical were under strict orders to only check on him when he was asleep ("...to keep your greasy mitts off my nurses, Jim!") and he only saw Dr. McCoy when he was awake. Of course, he had visitors, but most of them were from the crew and were already acquainted with the good doctor. So, they refused to help him break out and go on the run.

Mutiny.

Nyota stopped by soon after Spock left, carrying some good pillows stolen from other rooms and a PADD with some computer coding on it for him to mess around with.

Sulu visited, bringing him a few books, a slinky, and a rubber ball, the latter two of which were confiscated by Dr. McCoy on the grounds of being "almost as damn annoying as you are."

Chekov brought him well-wishes from the folks in science and a box of the second most revolting home-made cookies he had ever tasted.

Scotty brought him a sandwich. Bless him.

A few Admirals also stopped by to question (read: interrogate) him on what had happened with Admiral Marcus and where the _hell_ the_ USS Vengeance _had come from. It had taken the combined powers of Spock's logical, yet somehow derisive insistance and Dr. McCoy's open heckling to get them to leave.

Spock had begun to awkwardly hang around his hospital room, and was around almost as much as Bones was.

Except, you know, _awkward._

So, Jim asked him if he played chess.

On the last day of his "stay" (inprisonment), Bones came in pushing an honest-to-god _wheelchair_ in front of him.

"Hell no."

"You wanna leave? Get your ass in the chair."

"Hell. No. I can _walk_ out, Bones. I don't need a freaking wheelchair. Why are they even called wheelchairs, anyway? They don't have wheels! They use hover tech! It's...it's illogical!"

"They _used_ to have wheels, and stop trying to change the subject. It's hospital policy. And even if it wasn't, you were unconscious for two weeks, bedridden for three, after _dying from godamn radiation poisoning._Not even counting the injuries from the firefight and the Klingons and the guards on that_ giant black hellship _and Khan beating the shit out of you _in front of us. Get. In. The. Chair."_

Jim got in the chair.

He started to fidget as Bones steered him down the hallway. "Hey, you know where my place is, right?"

"Actually, you're under medical surveillance-"

_"What!?"_

"-due to your _death._ You're staying at my place, where Spock and I can keep an eye on you."

Wait. Spock was in on this too?

Mutiny. It was all mutiny.


	3. Chapter 3

**_I'm back! Here's chapter three._**

* * *

Jim was bored.

He'd been camping out on Bones' couch for the last four days (he'd tried to make him take his only bed, the selfless bastard, but Jim had put his foot down), and between Spock and the good doctor, he couldn't get away with _anything._

It wasn't fair that the _one time_ those two agree on something, it was to make Jim miserable.

And bored. Did he mention bored?

But the real stinger was, he felt _fine._ Better than fine, if only physically. He didn't need to sleep as much (something he was rather perversely grateful for, 'cause, man, the _nightmares. _Sheesh.)and he wasn't allergic to nuts any more, if Pavel's cookies-from-hell and their distinct non-reaction were any indication. Not that he could even taste the nuts. Seriously, those were _awful._

Like, almost worse than Nyota's. Almost.

"Greetings, Captain. Do you recquire sustenance?"

No, Jim didn't squeal and fall off the couch. That was a very, very manly grunt that just happened to be a tad high-pitched. He picked himself up off the floor with as much dignity as possible. "Shit, James Bond! Warn a guy, will ya?"

Spock inclined his head, his non-expression regretful. "I startled you. I apologize. Are you injured?"

Now, this was a problem. Spock had been treating him as though he were made of finely spun glass ever since Jim had kinda-but-not-really died. It was way worse than the usual 'Step aside, puny humans, for I am both logical AND badass' air he carried around with him on dangerous missions. No, this Spock had looked absolutely horrified the first time he had walked in and found Jim to_ not_ be lying in bed so as to be tended to and waited upon like a freaking princess. (Admittedly, he _had_ walked in as Jim was trying to see how many cartwheels he could do in succession through the center of McCoy's living room, but _damn_. He was _so bored_.)

But, honestly, something _was_ up with Spock. He'd been painfully stiff and careful around Jim, acting as though he didn't quite know what to do with himself. He wouldn't disagree with him on anything unless the topic concerned Jim's well-being. It didn't make sense. Because, even back when they had hated the sight of each other, they had always just..._clicked_. Now it was tense and awkward and uncomfortable and you bet your ass Jim was going to get to the bottom of this.

Spock stood in the corner of the room after assuring that Jim had not accidentally killed himself in his absence, posture regulation perfect, expression revealing nothing. However, Jim had known Spock for quite a while now, and could tell he was worried, nervous, and a little miserable.

It was kind of pitiful, really.

So Jim took pity on him. He pulled a PADD out from under his pillow and (after making sure it didn't smell funny or anything) said, "Hey, Spock." He waved the PADD at him. "You know how the Kobayashi Maru is completely unfair? Well, I've been tossing a few ideas around as how to change it. Not making it easy to win, or even making it likely. But just..._possible,_ you know? Instead of teaching Command track to accept death," Spock gave a miniscule wince at this, and yeah, he could have worded that better, "you could use it to teach them to think outside the box and use everthing they know in order to win." Jim gave Spock a winning smile. "Would you mind taking a look for me? I mean, it's not even off the drawing board yet, but I think the idea has some potential."

One look at his friend and Jim knew he had him. Spock's greatest weakness and greatest asset had always been his curiosity.

* * *

Spock scanned the information in front of him, impressed but no longer very shocked by his Captain's ingenuity. Jim had taken elements from several of their more..._unusual_ missions, the success of which had only been possible due to the cleverness and creativity of the crew, and Jim himself. It was not something that could be programmed into the system in it's current state, of course. Were Spock not so familiar with his Captain's thought proccess, he likely would have found the veritable mishmash of thoughts and plans and ideas before him entirely incomprehensible. But, when deciphered, the result was uniquely exceptional.

A rather apt metaphor for the man himself. Spock glanced over at his Captain, who had now decided to dismantle a communicator to see how it worked, turning the components over in his hands and muttering silently to himself all the while. Jim seemed to sense Spock's eyes on him and rather suddenly snapped his head up to meet Spock's gaze. Jim glanced back down at the gutted communicator in his hands. "Oh, uh...I just thought, it'd be good to know how these things work, you know? So, if we're on an away mission, and lose our communicators, I'd know how to build one, or at least a close approximation, from scratch." He gestured to the PADD in Spock's hands. "What'd you think?"

"The idea is a good one, Captain. I have too recently been...regarding the original design with some distaste. Would you object to any suggestions I may-"

"No! Go ahead, that'd be fantastic. You're a freaking genius."

"...Thank you, Captain. I shall proceed."

So Spock went through the data again, making neat, precise marks, notes, and corrections, adding a suggestion or commendation here and there. It was a most satisfying experience, and the most comfortable he had felt in the same room as Jim since his death.

It was not logical, and it was not the Vulcan way; but the revelation of what Jim Kirk and his companionship had come to mean to him had shaken Spock to his core. After the destruction of Vulcan and the death of his mother, Spock had been...without gravity. Without realizing it, he had grounded himself through the _Enterprise_'s endlessly loyal, tremendously brave, and dangerously clever Captain. However, he had not realized the extent to which he had come to rely on his friend, that his death would rip apart his control so completely. For someone to have that level of control over him, for him to rely so..._emotionally_ on someone this way was a frightening prospect.

As he completed his second analyzation of Jim's project, he noticed his friend had fallen asleep. Spock gave a sigh of relief, moving closer than he was willing to go when Jim was awake. Jim had not been sleeping as much as he needed to, no matter what he said. Spock suspected nightmares that Jim was too prideful to mention. Jim was also distinctly uncomfortable being left alone for too long, though he would never admit it.

Spock seated himself and began to flip idly through the more official files on the PADD, wishing to make sure he would not be viewing anything that would be detrimental to his psychological and emotional recovery. Dr. McCoy had insisted he do so, and though he had raised an eyebrow in the name of privacy at the time, he privately agreed.

He found a list of the names, ranks, and emergency contacts of all seventy-three _Enterprise _crewmembers who had been lost in the battle against Admiral Marcus and Khan.

Spock inspected further. Each of the names had a corresponding document, which upon further investigation he found to be very personal letters to each of the crewmember's families, detailing not just their demise, but aspects of their lives on the _Enterprise. _These letters were written by the hand of a friend, not a commanding officer. Spock remembered, when they had first gotten their assignments, Kirk (for he had been _Kirk_ then) had gotten a hold of the roster and gone around to introduce himself and meet every one of the four-hundred-thirty-six crewmembers personally. He knew them all by name, and went out of his way to greet them in the hallways, commend the hardworking, lended a hand anywhere he could be useful, and learn as much about his ship and her people as was possible.

Spock looked at his esteemed Captain, wrapped up in a blanket with his legs hanging off the side of the small couch and his hair mussed, muttering vaguely in his sleep. His eyes softened slightly.

Uniquely exceptional, indeed.

* * *

_With Spock's point of view, I was trying to capture the incredibly high opinion Jim's crew has of him to compare with the way he views himself in his own PoV. It probably didn't work. Writing Spock is really, really fun though... I appreciate any constructive criticism you wish to offer, as this is my first time writing a fic. Thank you for reading!_


End file.
